Since we are tiny island country bumpkins, we don’t benefit from a lot of the technological advances that you mainlanders enjoy. Every home we’ve visited has an Alexa and we were scandalized by the ability to “drop in” on someone’s home through the Alexa that has a screen. Which probably has a fancier name that I don’t know. We were also shocked by the fact that in a major metropolitan area you can order from Amazon and have it delivered the same day. OMG. Convenience is rampant.

And then there was this:

Not surprisingly, VR was demonstrably more difficult for us to master than our children. And so we have fully entered the age where we need our kids to interpret our technology for us. Somehow I thought we’d have more time…

There were two technological advances from I assume decades ago that we just recently got on board with which were amazing though. In Dallas I had lunch with a friend Brian who told me that his software company was working on something for Uber Eat. I had to make him spell it because the first time a country bumpkin hears these words they are thoroughly confusing. As it turns out, you can order take out through this app and then an Uber Eat driver will just bring it to you. Legit. This discovery in DC allowed us to have RV park poolside amazing sushi. MIND. BLOWN.

The other “advance” if it can still be called that was just basic Uber–Lyft for those of us more socially conscious. You already know ridesharing apps so I’m not gonna go into the details on this one but when you drive a house everywhere you go, the ability to park your house and have someone else drive you around in a major city is pretty exciting. I’d like to map out the experience of our first Lyft ride in Chicago for you. A little backstory, the day before Noah had what amounted to an infected hangnail that was causing a small abscess on his finger. He was advised by his friendly neighborhood veterinarians that the path to relief lied in releasing the pus and he refused. If you’ve met Noah this will not come as a surprise.

So here we are the next day, taking a Lyft from suburban Chicago into downtown, about a 30 minute drive. The first 10 minutes are filled with the curious bumpkins peppering the driver with questions:

“How do you get paid?”

“How to do you get tipped?”

“How does Uber compare to Lyft?”

“Have you ever rated someone badly?”

And so it goes. Until Noah discovers that the little friend he’s been fostering on his finger is ready for the big bad world.

“Mom! My pus is coming out!”

To those of us in the medical profession this is not a big deal–small amounts of bodily discharge are a daily occurrence. I have traveled with wet wipes and bandaids since I started producing people so I’m prepared for these things but our driver is not. I can literally hear his knuckles turning white in the now quiet car filled only with the sound of my son saying the word pus.

“Look at the pus! I can see it under my skin! Look at my pus coming out!”

Pus. Pus. Pus.

And now our driver is wondering what he could have possibly done to have deserved these customers and whether or not there is a rating below 1 star.

When we arrive at our destination Mr Bumpkin turns to the driver and asks, “And what do we do now?”

Says he through gritted teeth, “NOW YOU GET OUT.”

Technology is amazing. I’m wondering how I can next offend someone through Venmo…